New Perspectives

Perhaps there’s something really very wrong with me.

The perspectives i look at things.

I’m not feeling sad or angry. Neither am i happy. I’m just in a process of thinking.

What kind of person would i want to be.

Some said I’m very demanding. Some said I should speak out what i have in mind. There’s even some who actually think I’m immature, which is true to some extent. It really depends on who I’m with. Of course with close friends or classmates, It’s alright to act this way. Well i mean, isn’t that the only time to act in this way and to have fun? If u get what i mean, yeah.

I think there are times when i really had this nasty temper, which is somehow being driven to rage. I’m just impulsive and impatient. I want to get things done quickly, so that i can move to the next level. Even after much thinking of the consequences, I will still do it even if it’s bad.

And i have this very pessimistic mindset, thinking all the possible negative stuffs that will happen if i do this and if i do that. Even sometimes, I can’t stand myself. But i just do not have any control in what i think. When i told myself not to think, my brain tends to act very oppositely.

Today, i gotten back physics paper. Wasn’t the marks i expected though. Kinda disappointed again. I looked at others. They didn’t do well too. But i felt this sense of competitiveness among us. There’s someone whom i really wanted to beat in every aspect of life. Not the top scorer though. But no matter how hard i tried, i seemed to be a distance away. There would somehow be a gap between us and it happens to me that I’m always behind.

Is it the perspective i look at things is wrong? I’m trying to figure out what and how should i change. I just feel like a container. It doesn’t feel like me right now. I don’t feel what I’m supposed to be is me now. This sec4 mentality is still here. I want to be someone who work within my own efforts to achieve in what i want. I do not want to be reliant to others and pulling them down. I don’t want to end up asking my mum for pocket money in years down the road. It’s kind of humiliating and i feel guilty when i think about it. I don’t want to become like my uncle who ended up running because he burnt his fingers while playing stocks. I don’t want to be the person what others want me to be. I just want to be myself. Someone who is optimistic and sets his priorities right; Someone who will work by himself for what he wants no matter how difficult things get, instead of relying others. I need to get stronger; Stronger in the mind itself.

Oh well, there’s so much i would like to say to individuals, yet i know i can’t. It doesn’t matter anymore.

Gonna buck up and really start working hard tomorrow.

宮心計 ; Study ; Band!

Shagged

I’m shagged.

Woke up in the morning at 8am just to go back school to study. I think it’s quite a productive day for me. I’m rather tired already and i wonder if i can read up econs later. Dreading on monday man! I think i will only reach home around 11pm, though GP paper ends before 1pm.

Chemistry and Physics. Es PLEASE!

A Frieday Night

I realised that our mums are actually the same. They like to nag at us for all day long, yet they care so much about us. I think i had inherited the genes of “thinking too much” from my mum. Sometimes, i just feel bad for being defiant at times. It makes me think of what i had done in the past.

Mid year examinations are just round the corners. Actually its just next week. Mugging for hours, but not as intensive as what i did during olevels. I went back for consultations today. Though i seemed to be able to understand all the concepts for chemistry so far, I’m afraid I’m not able to apply on the day itself. Kinda makes me worried. Suddenly, i do not know when and why, i started to lose the interest of studying to some extent. I just feel like reading maths, instead of practising it. My heart just isn’t there. Can i achieve at least 4Es next week? Hopefully i do. Gonna go out to study TMR!

I like this week. I do not know why. I keep smiling everywhere i go. How amazing it is when i smile without myself knowing it. That’s very unlike me. Maybe i had caught some favorable sights somewhere and indeed I’m sure i did. But from what people who usually viewed me as wrath, they said it feels kinda good when i smile naturally. Don’t know why, i also share the same sentimental as them.

Mum said that i looked adorable ONLY when i smiled. I feel like slapping her somehow. That “ONLY” seems to be an eyesore.

守株待兔

There’s something bad about me. I had this 守株待兔 problem. I do not know why either. I started to reflect about it after that lecture. After i think about it, i asked myself this. “Have i really ever fight for my inner desires?” Things just came to me here and there easily. I took some things in life for granted. I just sat there and wait for things to happen. “Have i really achieve what i wanted the most?” I think i am not fighting hard enough to get what i want.  Sometimes, worst still, I let chances slip out of my hand. If I continue to be like that, I’m bound to have regrets in the future.

Desires; consumed by that idea, but not working to it. Applications to that idea; Epic fail.

Am i growing? Is that a process of evolving? Will i be able to change and adapt to the right mindset?

Guide me along.

EE ideas, the last night

Had only slept a total of 4 hours for the past 48 hours. It was the first time i had slept so little for the past 48 days. I was totally trying my best to complete PI, with EE ideas. But in the end, it turned out that PW teacher bluffed us the submission dateline so that we can have a sense of urgency. While on my way to school this morning, I was looking at the scenario outside in the bus. Without me knowing, I had somehow fallen asleep. During that period of time, I had a vivid dream. It seemed so surreal. It was the same dream that I had 3 months ago. Oh man, how i wish the dream will turn out to a reality in future. After a while, i woke up. I wondered how long had i slept. I look outside the windows. I didn’t know where i was initially. I was stunned to find out that i was in Ang Mo Kio.  I started to panic. I looked around me. No SRJCians. I looked at my watch, it was 7.15am. Quickly getta of the bus and took bus 25 back to school. I knew i was going to be late for school again and i would become one of those birdies. Somehow, i survived all this. Upon delighting the bus, I immediately increased my pace and ran to the school. It was 7.30am. I was sighing. However, just as i was outside the school, the music was still playing and the assembly had not started. Glad that it was delayed by 5 minutes.

Told myself that I’m gonna sleep at 7pm today to replenish the sleep i had lost. In the end, i couldn’t do so. Arrghh!!@#$% Chem Test on Friday and I’M NOT READY!

Moody.

Good evening.

Well, I’m not in a mood to study right now, thus here i am blogging. Feeling really sian when i mugged for long hours for the past 2 days. I need to really find time to relax. But how am i suppose to do so? Mid years are coming. I’m not ready, but actually only ready to get Us and Ss. Nonono, somehow I’m gonna find a way, to prevent it from happening. Yeap, & I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. There’s SCHOOL!! “Isn’t it suppose to be a public holidays?!” NO! There’s EXTRA lessons. =(  And I’m going to end up going home late again. Sigh. Right now, I can’t help but to sneeze. I have been sneezing since 5.00pm. And my eyes hurt badly right now. It feels as though they are burning. Really burning. Imagine blood starting to flow out from my eyes a few minutes later. GOSH!