I’m pretty reluctant to post this post, well since last month. Often when i was on my way back home after those long hours in school, i was really inspired to blog just by observing others and to try to face-read their minds. There are times when i saw a few disabled out there, my heart really sank. I felt their sorrows; those times when they were being discriminated and the way how people looked at them. It really hurts, doesn’t it? Pain is perhaps something they had felt for almost their entire life. Some tried hard to be part of this society again, while some actually gave themselves up.
I want to change the world.
I want to change the mindsets of the people.
I want the world back.
Empathy is seriously something people are lacking of nowadays. But well, what can i do? I do not have the power to do. Neither the intelligence to think of ways to help. But i once swore that i would help anyone who needed help. If by helping others can make me feel happy about it, so why not? Even though i know i will be making a loss. Oh wait, i won’t for coz it made me smile. Happy endings are what i would like to see. However, often still, i must bear in mind that sometimes people would not help me when i actually needed them. They are too “busy” with their own lives, get that?
This particular year has been an interesting one though. It was the point when i made new friends, and i decided who could be trusted and relied on. I was utterly upset this year too, seeing how my friends actually fall. As usual, i always played the role as the “bad guy” simply because i was too direct. When i hate something about that person, i would just tell them straight on their faces. But by seeing their reactions, they didn’t like it. I mean, shouldn’t friends be truthful and honest to one another. I hate friends who used us upon to attain certain benefits. Well, i did meet some this year, especially when i treat them as good friends, yet they betrayed and stabbed me harshly behind my back. It hurts though. All i could do was simply to blame myself for trusting them so much. I really wondered. Who are my friends? True friends, i mean. As we grow older, we tend to see things more clearly in a perspective that the rights can be the wrongs, while the wrongs can be the rights. It’s really up to us to decide. There are times when after i quarreled with my own friends, I questioned myself if i was in the wrong. Sometimes, i do admit that i acted rather childish. Despite knowing its childish, yet i still do it. I got to believe its the desire to get the fun out of it. But there are times, i really do not think i’m in the wrong, yet i’m been blamed and was accused for the wrongdoings. I do piss people off often. I do not know why. Sometimes i got pissed off by my own actions. Ironic isn’t it? Right here, i’m actually apologising to the world, to those whom i had offended because i acted childish. Even though i know there’s more to come next year, i do feel guilty and bad about it. Let’s all pray and hope that this would be the last for the year, at least. /:
I remembered someone actually told me this. “Glory is fleeting, but obscurity lasts forever”. How true this is. People always tend to remember all your misdoings and the mistakes u made, rather than the things u have done for them. What would u do if someone hates u? I had this perspective that if i hate someone, i would either tell them straight onto their faces about the problem or i would choose to stay away from them. I mean if u hate them, why get close to them and act like some hypocrites. Definitely not going to mention names here, but thanks to jc, i gained a very clear view of the people living in a competitive zone such as their minds, their actions and their words. I got to bear in mind that i should not trust people easily as i would. Also, i think i had offended someone over the net. Well, my words sometimes sounded direct, harsh and it felt like “a 1000 arrows shooting into their hearts”. But that was not my intent. People often misjudged me, in my opinion. I’m a very impulsive guy, by nature. Sometimes, i tend to do things without thinking, especially when i’m frustrated. Often still, in a fight, people tend to be the audiences and spectators, trying to watch how i would respond and react, being in such situations. Yet at the same time, they do not know how clear my mind is. Am i going to be that shallow to fight with them, when others are waiting for me to get into trouble? Clearly, the answer is obvious. I’ll let them insult me as much as they want. But i’ll not be as shallow as them. But believe me anot, karma really do occur to them. The only thing i could do was to watch their downfalls. But believe me anot, each time i see their downfalls, instead of being joyful and smirking about it, at the back of the stage, I do feel for them. Humans do make mistakes. It’s just the way how we are going to look at it. We were once friends. Often even though they had claimed to cut the ties off, deep inside down, we still want some memories. Memories of our friendships.
This year, i too felt very disheartened seeing how my friends actually fall. Despite knowing each of their problems, trying to advice them how to deal with it, i was actually scolded by some of them for being absurd. Was i? Perhaps i was being nosy, trying to poke into their businesses. But i sincerely want to help them, for i believe that they do not deserve to face the consequences. But when these advices are being neglected and being looked as thrashes, u know its gone. Even if u don’t, i know it is gone. And when they fall, tears rolled down their cheeks. At that moment, i questioned myself again. Why was i not charismatic and influential enough to help them, to guide them and to lead their hearts? Why was i not able to help them? Not just being upset, i really felt utterly disappointed. Not with them, but myself. Honestly, i think they really think i’m those who would laugh behind their backs for their downfalls. Truth is it really hurts if they think this way. I don’t like it when they think i’m against them and instead, they choose to go against me. It has become something, sort of a fact, that i can’t change. I don’t like it when people judged me by the way that i know it clearly isn’t me.
I want to be an inspiring figure.
Promos was over. Gone like a breeze. Gone for good. I can’t believe i just scraped through. I almost had to retain. Many would think that i’m going to tell the netizens how hard i worked for it. Frankly speaking, to some extent, i do not think i deserve to be promoted. I only started revision at only the last minute. I do not think i worked hard for it. Well u see, others started consistently since first day of school till promos, whereas i only started to do consistent work from july onwards. Every Saturday, when i go back school to sit with Mr Lau for life-advices and consultations after august, i see many muggers around bugging their works consistently, yet their results turned them off. U know i think my mind works like a girl’s, like those spaghettis. For instance, when i’m doing chemistry, my mind would think of maths and economics, vice-versa. Dr. Choe once told me that if by any chance, i didn’t do well for my examinations, the only problem is this. I think i’m pretty screwed because even though i know what are my problems hindering me from achieving greater heights, yet i’m not trying to counteract and overcome my mind. It’s easier to be said than done. I feel that my poor results are due to me not studying smart. For months after what Mrs Lim told me, I’ve been trying to find and understand the meaning of “studying smart”, yet i couldn’t find any methods, at least not for now. What does it really means? Do i really have time to find these methods? A’s are coming really soon and i have not even touched my december homework. I think my attitude towards learning has become from bad to worst. Despite continuous efforts of telling myself that i will make a comeback by proving everyone wrong that i can do it, here i am lazing around, doing all the redundant stuffs. Have i submitted so sloth? I just wondered. I really think i’m not that stupid. I thought if it wasn’t for my languages, i could have gone to ajc or mjc. Srjc, though it wasn’t my choice, but i really like how condusive the school is, so much that i actually rejected tpjc appeal. Some may tell me that i made a wrong move. In fact, i really do not know too. Perhaps its my fate, whether to excel or to fail in life, i definitely, definitely must do my very best. Real success comes with true hard work. No one is here by chance.
Band fest was over. I’m really missing those moments. I’m crazy, don’t u think so? It was really my honour to meet and to be under several conductors. I really learnt a lot in such short 4 days. I can’t deny the fact that my section is fun and interesting. Each of us wield different personalities. The indian girl in my section, tharshini (Wrong spelling huh?), was really fun to be with around. Most of the laughters in the section were actually by the things she did. I think she’s really a nice person. Not to forget sophia too, who has been a great sectionmate for teaching my several horn techniques. The only reason why i remembered was that she’s those who tells others something funny without really laughing. Oops?! I do not really know how to describe her. She, together with wanling has this weird personality. I think both of them are quite introvert and shy to some extent, for these 4 days. I think its a great pity that i didn’t know all of them much. Lastly, marilyn, the 4th horn player, whom i think she is the best player among all of us. She reminded me of the past me. It felt nostalgic when someone tries to correct me here and that. I missed my secondary school, although i was the sectional leader and i had not been a good player. Nonetheless, i did give it all my best in whatever i do and i contributed to the band, pingyi, in any ways i could. Speaking of pingyi, they had a concert last week and i was really amazed by them. To me, the highlights were el camino real, fate of the gods and the synergy of heartbeat II. Synergy of heartbeat II really reminded me of the past, when i was in sec2, participating in band fiesta. Growing from a very small band with a band strength of 20 plus to a very big band of 90plus people, i think it is a feat that the band has achieved so far, at least in the history. Find me a band that has undergone such scenario before. I can say no bands has ever been in our shoes. Teamwork, attitude and character were those that were emphasised in that band. I believe that what i am today was what the band had actually shaped me into. A pity i cant give the band back like as much as what they had actually given me. I always feel very bad about it. I’m not good in music, so how am i supposed to coach the members. Sometimes, i do feel useless when i go back. It’s like i can’t even help them much and i’m being in a way. I often felt like that too, feeling easily replaceable by other alumni. I dislike that feeling. Oh yeah, back to topic, i didn’t really like el camino real. I didn’t think it was good. After the concert, when mr poh asked me how was it, i didn’t dare to feedback to him, even though deep down i really want to. From his eyes, i saw hope and confidence. It would really be disappointing for him if i just tell him honestly. But just as i made up mind to tell him how i really feel about it, the bus was there already and the band needed to return back to pingyi. Shuuds, why am i always so slow in making a decision? -.- I couldn’t feel the pulse. I believe as musicians, the most important thing in making music isn’t really the tone or skills, its their ability to feel the pulse. Pulse is just like the heartbeat of the music. And i thought horn was rather disappointing as they didn’t play as what i desired though. I feel that they ought to come out for that piece, but instead they seem to be too tense and they controlled too much. But i know it isn’t coz of their lack of practices. It’s because they do not know how to adjust to the acoustics of the hall. I think this includes trumpet too. That’s what i think and feel. Listening to their fate of the gods really bring back moments. I think the horn section has done a very marvelous job in conveying the fast counter melody part of the first page of the score. It was really good. After that part, it was like the “domination-motion” part. I think the band didn’t convey that well. I was really hoping from the band for a richer darker tone, which it didn’t meet my expectation too. Otherwise, i think the band would really have done well for that piece. I think the soloists had done a good job too, even though i can feel how nervous they were, as an audience. Well done, Ping Yi. I’ll give both thumbs up! 
Back to band fest, it was really a good experience for me (even though i kept emphasising how good it was). I really like the alumni band, playing ride and perseus. Ride brings me back moments when i was in a marching band and it gives me eargasm (Heh!). Perseus was extremely heart-felt. I really felt and liked the way how Mr Oura actually expressed the music. Truly amazing, even though i was not playing in that band, but only in the choir. U know after this band fest, from one small regret of mine (which so far only 3 person know), it expanded to dozens of regrets. :’(
I was shocked that Mr Alvin offered me water before the concert. Speaking of him, he is the conductor who actually ignites my passion for music. I remembered clearly during 2008 NBC finals, he was conducting ajc for “Stabat Mater Dolorosa”. I was really inspired, awed and fascinated by him, not just the way he conducted it, but the way he actually wants the band to express it. I always wanted to learn under him, even though i know i’m not good enough to be in his band and he was well-proclaimed by others as the “devil-incarnated” when it comes to music. Because of this incident, i was aiming to go AJ (back then, i didnt know the existence of CJ), but of course i didn’t make it not because i couldn’t but because i was too lazy and immature back then. Even now, one of my resolutions is that i want to practice even even harder than before, so that i can learn under him one day. Even though i know how impractical and how impossible this goal is.
I also enjoyed under other conductors too, such like my current conductor, Mr Tan, who dances while conducting. He really enjoyed teaching music from the way he expresses it through his conducting. To mr tay too, who had helped me in my horn playings too and also passed me several horn techniques books. He’s really nice and he’s really an excellent trumpet player! I heard it myself, with that ears of mine! Speaking of trumpter, there’s this guy, whom i made friends with during band fest, Pratheesh. He has one of the best tones i ever heard from a trumpter, seriously! His really good, even though the conductors said part of his techniques were wrong. I think i will remember his tone for life. Best sound i ever heard! (Y) Fyi, i have never liked the sound of trumpets coz its very piercing and whacking! For the first time, i like it alot. Oh well, i watched Mr Adrian Chiang conducting the band for chorale and shaker dance. I like the way he actually conducted the Wagner band. I can really feel his deep passion for music when he conducts. I remembered being conducted by him during TPJC tune in, in the early of the year. He’s really good and i believe he’s nice too. Lastly, Mr Sebastian Sim, i do not know how to describe him. Saying him good is quite an insult. Honestly speaking, i think given more years and experiences, he can be really good as Mr Alvin. I really like his style!
Any idea why i had dozens of regrets after this band fest? Okay, i shall blog part of it. I actually met this quite nice girl. But she’s too smart already. -.- I’ve been thinking of it all these while. Why am i so shy when i’m always around girls (#facts)? A pity i didn’t get to talk to her that day. 
She isn’t some form of my infatuations. I really think she isn’t. She looks rather decent to me, even though she isn’t the most prettiest girl i ever met. But i’m really curious and amazed of and by her personalities. She looked like one of those taiwaneses (Shuuds, i just remembered i have not blogged about srgce taiwan trip. It was really a good experience, seriously!). And i seriously can’t stop thinking how FREAKING stupid i was. I was sabotaged by my friend to take a shot with her. I felt really really awkward and shy. But i didn’t mind at all , not at all! But i could see from her expression too that she was awkward too. After that forced shot, not knowing what’s wrong with me, my mouth took over my mind. I can’t remember the exact words i said to her after that but i remember saying something like, “Eh i didnt ask for that…”. Omfg, seriously wts was i thinking. I should be really happy and honoured to take that shot with her. Instead of cherishing it, i said nonsensical stuffs again and again! DAMN CUI LAH! Everything would have been fine if i just said thank you.
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!
I really want to ask her if she was offended by my nonsense, yet i can’t do it during our first chat in msn. Sigh, why didn’t i think before i said anything. The next time she’s online, i think i’m going to apologise sincerely to her. I really feel very bad and guilty about it. If i’m the girl, I would have gotten that angry and offended too. :O
Actually, it’s just my conjecture that she’s offended because she uploaded the entire album, except for that photo. Gotta ask her soon as it has been bothering me for day by day. But on the other hand, someone did mention to me that since i will not get any chance to see her ever again, so why being bothered by all these? What this friend of mine said was true. But i still feel guilty and bad about it.
Sigh! How dumb can i be seriously? I think I’m a joke, don’t u guys think so?
I guess i shall stop blogging already. I have been doing so since 6pm and i have not had my dinner man!
My stomach is growling and i got to end now here. Gonna moved back to either blogger or trying tumblr out. Right here, till then.
*Fellow readers, pardon me for the poor use of language here *
